I had to post this entreaty on behalf of KFC on my community forum this morning.....
As regards the matter of the feathered outlaw known as KFC:
The notorious complainant “Anonymous” has been roused to
call upon the local Council by-laws to protect tender ears and the sleep they are entitled
to. This morning I received a visit from “Compliance Officer” - Anonymous
having turned me in as the party harbouring the feral noisome Haydon Street
cock-a-doodle-rama.
KFC, as the bandit feathered throat has become referred to
in our household, is a bantam rooster that did in fact find asylum in our backyard
about 2 months ago. KFC found it an environment conducive to rooster
flourishment, being able to avail himself of the water and parrot seed provided
in daily abundance for his feathered relatives. We didn’t bring him here as a
pet and initially tried to catch him, intending to turn him over to the border
control authorities who would duly torture and punish him for his
presumption….KFC however proved a wily escape artist capable of flying literally
into the treetops to prolong his outrageous desire for survival.
After a few weeks we got used him, despite his enthusiastic
proclivity for celebrating the arrival of daylight around 4 am (though
Compliance Officer astonished me with Anonymous’ assertion that the immodest
Rooster starts whooping at 1am and goes on to 10am…..)
I would like to sincerely apologise to Anonymous and any
other residents of Haydon Street, who have lately suffered the affliction of
KFCs awful assault on their eardrums, particularly for the infelicitious hour
of the morning when KFC is aroused to perform his Olympic scale yodelling.
In the manner of bleeding heart latte sippers my husband and
I would like to plead for “live and let live”. Can we beg the Rooster
Intolerance Posse to pause it’s pogrom long enough – perhaps up to a couple of
weeks? – while we seek to instigate a solution that has been put to us by a
fellow dissolute poultry lover. We have
heard that a wide Velcro collar may be applied to the offending feathered
throat, thereby obstructing the windbaggery from filling the bladder from which
the opera of offence is subsequently emitted.
To perform this procedure we take on the challenge of
capturing the wily critter and this may take several days….? This morning we
are obtaining a cage to be able to enact this. Regrettably we are away this
weekend as a relative is inconveniently turning 80….but promise to be back on
the case Monday morning at whatever hour the 2 legged descendent of the
dinosaur starts his furore…
In the interim we beg you not to resort to throwing poison
into our yard as we have little dogs we adore (rescued from another canine
prison camp….) Fortunately for them they aren’t inclined to noisome barking!
Compliance Officer is satisfied we are actively seeking to
remedy riotous rooster and will give us a couple of weeks grace to capture and
de-bark the aforementioned.
Anonymous, may all your eggs be fresh and praying you don’t
choke on your next chicken roast dinner
All the beast,
Pearl Moon (defiant defender of the under-chook)
PS. Compliance Officer arrived at the door when I was in the
middle of writing a letter of outrageous indignation to politician and local MP Barnaby Joyce after
hearing him on Radio National this morning coming out in defence of maintaining
the Greyhound racing “industry”, which
I’ll now resume……..
