Wednesday 1 November 2017

Sometimes I just don't know what to do....

From time to time on this blog I’ve bought up that I am a person with Aspergers.  A year ago I published a link here to a short film that was produced by Nicky Elliott about how I see the world, make my art and live my life.

As a woman nearing my 6th decade I can attest that I feel much more comfortable in the world now than when I was younger when so much more was obscure. Through often arduous processing I hope I’ve come to a better understanding of the differences between myself and neurotypical thinking.

However, there are still a lot of days to be lived when confusion runs rampant….

In my late 30s I had a lightbulb moment when I grasped that there is a secret communication that NTs share that had eluded me all my life. It is commonly known as “body language” but is much more nuanced than just muscle tension and blinking as it also takes in other aspects like tone of voice and coded language. Simultaneously I had the truly astounding realisation that NTs have good feelings about each other and enjoy talking to each other…sheeesh! who’d have thought! Life started to become a lot easier when I learned to redirect some of my internal focus to carefully assess what people around me were saying to each other and which ones had relationships they call “friends” Many NTs find it impossible to understand that I’ve never had a “friend” and are even more disbelieving to find that the whole proposition is something I regard with fear and distaste….heh, anyway we won’t go there today…

I am writing this now because of trying to cope with being upset. Going to that part of my brain where I’m focusing on language and writing, finding and composing words into a coherent text, is helping me not to collapse into the anxiety and catastrophic reactions that can badly affect some of us with Aspergers. Sometimes referred to as a “meltdown”

The internet has been a fantastic way of communicating for myself and many others on the Autistic Spectrum because we don’t have the bafflement and distraction of dealing with body language. But stuff still happens…I’ve come to understand that NTs usually try to avoid saying things that are potentially hurtful and rejecting by adept use of body language.  Sometimes I can be rather oblivious to not being in the category of populist/conventional/mainstream. One of the nicest things about Aspies is that we are very accepting of difference, in fact, often find it quite fascinating. Whereas NTs like stereotypes, feel comfort in tribalism, prefer sameness and fear “otherness”

I'm working on accepting that some Facebook groups I’m in don’t like the clothes I design and aren’t going to support me by publishing information about new designs I release. I get confused with the incongruency of being told they are happy to include me in their monthly round-up list, then 3 times in a row and 4 newly published patterns later they keep overlooking to add the patterns….

So, I’ve been casting about to find some more artsy and creative Facebook sewing groups that might find my clothing designs more appealing.

As a child I believed I had been accidentally abandoned on the wrong planet after my true parents crash landed here…..any planets out there that want to adopt me?

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