Thursday, 14 July 2016

in defence of chooks

I had to post this entreaty on behalf of KFC on my community forum this morning.....

As regards the matter of the feathered outlaw known as KFC:

The notorious complainant “Anonymous” has been roused to call upon the local Council by-laws to protect tender ears and the sleep they are entitled to. This morning I received a visit from “Compliance Officer” - Anonymous having turned me in as the party harbouring the feral noisome Haydon Street cock-a-doodle-rama.

KFC, as the bandit feathered throat has become referred to in our household, is a bantam rooster that did in fact find asylum in our backyard about 2 months ago. KFC found it an environment conducive to rooster flourishment, being able to avail himself of the water and parrot seed provided in daily abundance for his feathered relatives. We didn’t bring him here as a pet and initially tried to catch him, intending to turn him over to the border control authorities who would duly torture and punish him for his presumption….KFC however proved a wily escape artist capable of flying literally into the treetops to prolong his outrageous desire for survival.

After a few weeks we got used him, despite his enthusiastic proclivity for celebrating the arrival of daylight around 4 am (though Compliance Officer astonished me with Anonymous’ assertion that the immodest Rooster starts whooping at 1am and goes on to 10am…..)

I would like to sincerely apologise to Anonymous and any other residents of Haydon Street, who have lately suffered the affliction of KFCs awful assault on their eardrums, particularly for the infelicitious hour of the morning when KFC is aroused to perform his Olympic scale yodelling.

In the manner of bleeding heart latte sippers my husband and I would like to plead for “live and let live”. Can we beg the Rooster Intolerance Posse to pause it’s pogrom long enough – perhaps up to a couple of weeks? – while we seek to instigate a solution that has been put to us by a fellow dissolute  poultry lover. We have heard that a wide Velcro collar may be applied to the offending feathered throat, thereby obstructing the windbaggery from filling the bladder from which the opera of offence is subsequently emitted.

To perform this procedure we take on the challenge of capturing the wily critter and this may take several days….? This morning we are obtaining a cage to be able to enact this. Regrettably we are away this weekend as a relative is inconveniently turning 80….but promise to be back on the case Monday morning at whatever hour the 2 legged descendent of the dinosaur starts his furore…
In the interim we beg you not to resort to throwing poison into our yard as we have little dogs we adore (rescued from another canine prison camp….) Fortunately for them they aren’t inclined to noisome barking!

Compliance Officer is satisfied we are actively seeking to remedy riotous rooster and will give us a couple of weeks grace to capture and de-bark the aforementioned.

Anonymous, may all your eggs be fresh and praying you don’t choke on your next chicken roast dinner

All the beast,
Pearl Moon (defiant defender of the under-chook)

PS. Compliance Officer arrived at the door when I was in the middle of writing a letter of outrageous indignation to politician and local MP Barnaby Joyce after hearing him on Radio National this morning coming out in defence of maintaining the Greyhound racing “industry”,  which I’ll now resume……..